Bears vs. Packers: Can you feel the Midwestern heat?! 1/23/11

Int. Soldier Field- Day

A beloved opera singer (name unknown to all) sings atop the giant orange ‘C’.  Fireworks explode!  Praise football!  The Blue Angels fly over head (or some fighter jets who were lost.)  The crowd is crying and cheering at the same time.  This truly is, the most important day in football.

It is 19 degrees out.  Fans don’t care, their screams of pleasure and pain will keep them warm.  Or they’ll freeze and like it!

It’s a rough start. Packer #85, Jennings, caught a pass by Aaron Rodgers and gets slammed down by a Bear. Rough and ready!  He continues to catch passes and ends up getting pretty far.

When the Packers huddle, with their yellow pants, they look like a flower.  And all their yellow butts are petals.

Go Packers!

The Packers and Bears are old rivals.  Competing for “Kings of the Sausage Bearing States.”

Packers got the ball close to the goal and then they sent in my old pal Raji!  Yeah! He struts his cute stuff onto the field!  Whoa- they just used him as a distraction and Aaron Rodgers took that sucker home! Touhdown Packers!

Jay Cutler, Desmond Bishop.  Are two names that just were mentioned.

Devin Hester just ran the ball pretty far.  The Packers chasing him were sorta bumbling.  That run would have been good if there was silly slide whistle music playing under it.

The announcers are into Clay Matthews.  They full out said that they got hot from mentioning him.  Sexy!  Packer #77 just took down Cutler.

3rd down and 2nd.

The ball was up, but was thrown too long and Devin Hester couldn’t get to it.  They say Cutler throws high when he gets nervous.  O rly?  Cuz Aaron Rodgers makes touchdowns when he gets nervous!  BOOM!!!  Bears Burn!!

Rodgers throws another completion!

Got distracted cuz a giant plate of bacon got put in front of me.  Mmmm.

Peppers is letting Aaron Rodgers know that he’s there.  But not in the “plate of bacon” way that I prefer.

They really want to beat each other.  All the way back to Papa Bear and Lambo.  Who I’m assuming are like the Cain and Abel of football.  “I am not my Lambo’s keeper! Yellow Flag!!”

I looked up and #77 Jenkins was dancing like Snooki after a night at Karma, sooo I think the Packers probably did something good.

When you have a good QB, it’s up to the other team to play keep away.  Something like that.  Now the announcer is saying how great Aaron Rodgers is.  And they are right I mean at least for someone who has been so tortured.  I’m assuming the announcers are Troy and Joe, they got the day off from celeb rehab to announce the game.

The Bears have the ball right up against their end zone.

The tackling and the throwing is all good but I really would like to see these guys play Pictionary to get a better sense of their personality and artistic skills.  And I bet Desmond Bishop can draw a mean “skate park.”

2nd Quarter

Packers just got a false start flag/whistle.  1st Green Bay penalty of the game.  They do their do-over and they don’t get too far.

I’m sorta thinking that Chicago is hustling them.  Like in the 3rd quarter they’re going get tapped out by real bears and that’s fair right?  Cuz they said they were bears!  And the Packers will just get torn to shreds like the kid who went to school with my sister who jumped into the polar bear enclosure at the Milwaukee County Zoo.  She said they had to shut the zoo down for a week to clean up.  But that was the ’70’s.  A lot of crazy shit happened in the ’70’s.  But not BJ Raji, he was born in ’86.

TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!  Starks rolled over all of the bodies and put his elbow on the white line.  No one challenges it.  Troy and Joe think that they’d be wasting their challenge.  Just by that right there, I can deduce that you are given a limited amount of challenges.  Just like time outs.  You only get so many of those too.  Is that how congress works?  You can only have too many turns to say stupid shit before they have to move on?  Next year I should do a C-SPAN blog.

Oh man!!! I just found out I can do a perfect impression of a Wii.  Hidden talents.

Hester in Motion!!!!  It’s a thing that they say!  They said it again this week!!  A Hester in Motion!!  Yay repetition!!

Chester Taylor makes a move for a first down. The last time these two teams played the Bears did not handle the blitz packages well.  ???  The Bears almost had a TD, but it was over thrown and Hester didn’t catch that!  Shoot.  Incompletion.

Now this game has a lot of stakes for me.  Because the Packers are my favorite team and the Bears are my second favorite team.  So….yeah.  The outcome is pretty important to me.  This is the best game of the season.  Even the games I didn’t watch.

You know what this game is missing?  Chocolate.  A big old box of chocolate for me to eat.

Rodgers just ran the ball like FOREVER!  And when the Bears started chasing him he ran off the field and was like, “don’t touch me I’m out of bounds!!”  Sheeeeit!  Wake up Bears!

Rodgers is using a time out.  There are church bells gonging.  This time out is so dramatic!  The Bears are pissed, wrapped up in their snuggies on the sidelines scowling.

Time in- BUTT SHOT!!

Lance Briggs tackles Starks and it was a big play.  Troy and Joe are like, “Can you believe Briggs did that?  Never would have thought that Briggs could make a good play.  Never ever ever did I think Briggs was capable of that!”

Incomplete pass for the Bears.  Cutler throws another incomplete.  It’s a defensive hold so they get a 1st down.  Is a 1st down like 1st base?  And if you do so many holds you get a walk?  Hmm.

A Bear throw.  A far away Bear couldn’t catch it.  A Packer almost caught it, but the Bear knocked it out of his hand. Packer defense is really good today.  And it takes one to know one.

Wow.  A big thing just happened.  I saw it and slow motion and I still don’t understand what happened.  I think they made it a dead play and now the Bears are kicking.

Packers just used their 2nd time out.  The kicked ball went out of bounds.  They are wearing new shoes today?  There is a lady’s voice talking about shoes.  Of course the lady is assigned to talk about the shoes!

Aaron Rodgers took the ball and ran it for a while and Urlacher was like, “wait a minute!” but he was too late.

Donald Driver on the board with his first catch.

A low throw turned into an interception!  Briggs just took the ball from Driver.  Wow, Briggs.  Troy, Joe and I NEVER would have guessed that Briggs could do a play like that.

Now Matt Forte ran a while.  Troy/Joe is talking about momentum shifts.  They think the Bears are going to get some points before the 2nd half.  They threw long long long all the way to the end zone and a Packer caught it!  It was a really pretty catch.  Sheilds.  They just said he has good ball skills. LOL.

Ruling on the field stands.  1st down.  So the Packers have the ball now.  People are mad cuz they think that when Sheilds caught it he didn’t really have it.  But there’s only like 30 seconds left in the quarter so…it’s anyone’s game.

Lee Dewyse sings at half time.  I was not allowed to watch.  I am pissed.

Hester ran the ball back and forth.  He was like a border collie herding sheep.  It was cool!  Get some LED lights on the Packers and turn the sun off and Hester could make some pretty designs.

Pam Oliver looking fine on the side lines with a big fur coat.  Taking in all the shoes and football fashion.

Hester caught the ball on a hop.  Incomplete.

Cutler is like getting Manchurian Candidated.  Right before he gets the ball someone must say, “Why don’t you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?” Or perhaps he’s more updated and he sees a billboard for cup of noodles.  Either way, something is messed up with him today.

Do you think they wear junk protectin?  They must right?  They gotta.

I can’t tell you how good cotton socks with wool socks over them feel. So good.  So soft and warm.

Now all of the sudden out of nowhere Troy and Joe are Briggs’ biggest fan.  “It’s up to Briggs.  Briggs is the best.  I’ve always loved Briggs.”

Jennings to the 40.

Crabtree!  I just saw Crabtree!  Rodgers down the sideline.  The Bear blocked the Packer.  They are either both named Jennings or one is named Jennings and the other was Jones.  JJJJJJJJJJ FIREWORKS!!

Automatic 1st down.  The Packers throw, incomplete to Driver.

Urlacher intercepted.  Tackled by Rodgers.  Rodgers had to tackle him because he threw it right to him.  Clean up your mess boy!!!

Now Cutler is out. And Collins is in.  Collins just threw the ball on the ground.  Cute.  Oh, he threw it on the ground cuz Jenkins tapped his elbow.  Tapped his elbow?  Come on guys this isn’t billiards!!  This is football!  Pin him down and get on top of him!!  And just really get up on him.  Make him feel your powerful body pushing down on his crumbled frame, exchange longing tender looks but you know that there is something bigger than this moment…..that’s how football is done!

A Packer almost intercepted but it hit the ground. And even though it was obvious Lovie Smith (great name) had to use one of his challenges to make sure justice was served.  Now that’s the America I know.  Let it slide until you get caught.

I want frozen yogurt.  Not like Pinkberry, like TCBY. Yum.  Ever since I saw that Crabtree guy.  The TCBY that I used to go to as a kid had a crabapple tree out front and my brother and I used to eat them when we waited in line for fro -yo.  2 treats 1 trip.

Oh yeah!  Jennings caught the ball again!  Greg Jennings.

Cutler is pouting on the bench.  He looks like Harland Williams.

Hold against Green Bay.  Chad Clifton.  Does holding mean you’re holding the ball, like traveling in basketball?  Or does it mean holding a person?  Romantic?

Rodgers throws it out of bounds.

2 yard return.

I want to go to the ProBowl!! It’s in Hawaii!!

Bears kick.  Packer caught it.  The Bears TOOK HIM OUT!! SHEEEIT!! It was like a car hit him!  Then another Packer grabbed the ball and he got hit!!!  SHIT!  Bears got a penalty for ineligible player?  Like someone’s kid was on the field?

I’m not sure who has the ball.  They’re just on top of each other.  It is tense.  Rodgers and Urlacher are giving signals.  Urlacher is like a bulldog.  He’ll take you down, if he’s paying attention.

Rodgers throws, incomplete.  4th down.

Tim Masthay punts.  Devin Hester catches it and another Bear ran into him.  Some sort of ref call.

Oh I wish I was there right now!!  They are playing Souja Boy!!!!  Superman that football!!

The Bears had it and ran it really far.

4th Quarter: 14 to 0

The Bears already took out Collins.  They keep talking about Cutler getting cut.  His elbow is all bloody.  They love showing footage of that bloody elbow.

More BJ Raji!  He should have his own reality show about how he loves dogs.  Maybe shows the best dog parks in the country or something.

Johhny Knox catches the ball and is forced out of bounds at the 1.  So the Bears might be coming out of hibernation.  They are right on the end zone and TOUCHDOWN BEARS!!

Finally!  12 minutes left in the game and it’s 14 to 7.

False Start Bears.  Incomplete throw and penalty flag for pass interference.

Holding!…….hands.  #romanticfootball

You could seriously do a “he loves me, he loves me not” on one of those Packers huddles.

Aaron Rodgers throws the ball, incomplete.

Devin Hester Waits.

A touchback may have happened.

Aaron Rodgers bit his lip on the hit by Julius Peppers.  It’s all in the game baby!  All in the game.  

“Did you all copy the play? Great!  Go Packers!”

Okay what’s going on?  7 min left.  Packers dropped the ball.  Too low.  Crabtree couldn’t get it.

Those overhead computers on the ziplines look like those probe droids on Hoth.  “Clear the defender!  Clear the defender!”  Speaking of Hoth, it’s 19 degrees out, did I mention that?

Clay Matthews’s hair is looking very pretty today.  Maybe he curled it because it’s the most important game of the year.  Or maybe he curled it because he’s going straight to the Mr. Midwest Pageant after the game.  His special talent is- BJ RAJI JUST MADE A TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!  I KNEW HE WAS GOOD!!!!! Oh man that was awesome!!  BJ Raji just nailed it!!!  Oh that’s my boy!  That’s my boy!!  He ran that ball, arm outstretched, all the way home!! And his dance was all hip grinding sexy!  Aw!

21 to 7

BJ Raji calls himself the Freezer.  Hahaha!  There’s nothin’ like a self appointed nickname to humble you.  That’s why I go by Fly Ass Ohly.  Or FAO.  Schwartz.  Because I love toys.

5 minutes left.  Sheeit.

Chicago just scored.  Bennett #80 caught it and just ran over there.  Wow!  It’s anyone’s game!

21 to 14!!!  Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!  4:43 left in the game.  The crowd is singing.  Can you feel the Midwestern heat?!?!

Alright Packers, cheese down!  Put the pressure on!  The crowd is screaming.  The players are rolling on the ground.  This is where it gets all intense.  People are going to start making mistakes (or pulling a “Cutler”), other people are going to rise above (Briggs.)

Tim Masthay punts a good one.  Have you ever wanted to punt a pigeon?  I mean if you think about it they’re the perfect shape and height to punt.  I’m not endorsing animal violence, I’m just saying, people have urges.

Bears messed up the snap.  Not so good.  Now they have a 1st down.  Oh my dog, this is intense!!!  Next throw, incomplete.  Now the Bears have a penalty for throwing it to nobody.

#22 Bear was running the ball and jumped out of 2 different Packers reach.  The 3rd Packer brought him down.  Ahh!!

Clay Matthews has to use the shake weight.  I mean, look at that definition.  Maybe the shake weight is his talent at the pageant.

Caleb Hanie is stepping up.  This is his 6th game in the NFL.  But Colorado loves him.

Whistles stop the play.  Chicago time out?

During the time out FOX shows us a package of how Cutler sucks again.

Shields intercepted the Bears throw!! BURN BEARS!!!  ShEEEEIT!!  Sam Shields is the bomb!

Awww they just cut to a Bear huddled on the bench with an orange band aid on his nose.  He was so sweet and cute!  I feel so bad for him!!  I love him!

Oh my gosh, Green Bay won!!  They only had 37 seconds left so they won!!  (Again, I’m confused about the formalities of the clock.)  But YAYYYY!!!!!

I can’t tell you how happy I am for BJ Raji!!!!  Go Packers!!!!!  Yay!!!!  They are going to the Superbowl you guys!

Now, what’s going on?   Steelers vs. Jets?  And then ProBowl, whatever that is, but it’s in Hawaii!  And then the Superbowl!!! YAY NACHOS!!!!  xo

Bears vs. Seahawks: Nature’s worst nightmare! 1/16/11 (*with The Wire spoilers*)

They are playing at Soldier Field.  I knew that because it is snowing on the field.  So I deduced that they are in Chicago.  And since I lived in Chicago, I know the stadium is called Soldier Field.  I’m getting good!

So the game has begun.  4th &3.  The games where it looks cold are a lot more intense aren’t they?  Flurries definitely add an element of drama.  I would like to address Devin Hester, Bear #23.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but he has a mischievous streak.  I can see him being a prankster, not so much a prankster but someone who manufactures inconveniences for other people, then people suspect he did it but don’t have any proof.  And it’s certainly not “all in good fun!”

Bear 82, Olsen, walked straight out of 1976 and into the end zone with a pretty bad ass touch down!  Wow!  That seems like fast touchdown, there’s still 12 min on the 1st quarter.

Okay so the Seahawks have the ball and a guy just flew through the air and slammed his face on the sideline which the announcers say does not have coils, like the field has.  So this dude just took a face plant on some ice!!!  Ahhh!  Let’s hope he’s okay.  Damn, occupational hazard I guess.  My occupational hazard is falling into some sort of sugar/caffeine coma.  Well, it’s not an occupational hazard I’m just at high risk for diabetes because I just ate, in no uncertain terms, an entire tray of brownies for breakfast.  Darlin’ ain’t I?  (rhetorical)

I gotta get something off of my chest.  I stayed up until 4am last night watching The Wire.  I finished the series.  I know I’m like 5 years late but….man I’m feeling low today!  I’m having post partum depression over this thing.  I powered through all 5 seasons in 2 months and I’m exhausted emotionally.  The game is back on…….

Now it’s really snowing.  I think the snow enhances the acoustics of the crowd.  The crowd sounds are more intense, more blood thirsty.  Olsen got the ball far, almost a touchdown but not quite.  Then the second try the other guy went all the way around, he got it close too but not close enough.  I guess football comes down to: go through or go around.  Strategic.

Whoops. Dropped some bread crumbs down my cleavage.  Sexy!

And Bodie died!  I guess he deserved to die cuz he killed Wallace in the beginning.  That’s like total foreshadowing.  Right?

Olsen just took the ball in the right direction again.  He seems like one of the stars of the team.  Him and Hester and of course, my favorite Julius Peppers.

But let’s focus on the Seahawks a little, so we know that they are from Seattle.  Their costumes are white and blue.  I’m watching the game on Fox and they are not really talking about the Seahawks so much…..The Bears guys are getting most of the attention.  Okay now they are talking about the “fundamentals of the Seahawks are not really being played out today.”

Oh man the announcer just said, “the devin hester effect.”  Yeah!  He has an effect!  Pretty cool!  I told you, he sort of influences things…he gets under your skin, and you don’t really know how he does it but you know he’s behind it!  Shit!  Omar died!  Man, I’m really worked up about that.  He was by FAR my favorite character.  Like, BY FAR, and I really really liked a lot of characters. But Omar was like above and beyond.  He might be the best character on any show ever.  Bears touchdown, by Cutler! the QB!  He’s Aaron Rodgerin’ it up.  I just feel like he had such a shitty end, (Omar) it’s like the whole Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns thing.  I guess I should have known that shitty shit kid would shoot him, I never trusted that kid, and when he was torturing that cat, man, I wish Omar had shot him right there!  At least he went to jail, but probably not for long.  Tried as a juvenile or something.  A Seahawk just dropped the punt catch.  Seems like the Seahawks are in their heads today.  Or in their helmets!  Do you think the coaches just yell, “get outta your helmets?!?!”  Maybe they do.  Michael K. Williams (who plays Omar) he replied to me on twitter.  I think I’m in love.  The Seahawks can’t make the catch, 3rd &1, oh nevermind pass interference 1st down.  It’s his eyes, (Omar again) his eyes are so expressive, so vulnerable.  I LOVE HIM!  Then I found out that he was in that R. Kelly- In The Closet thing, so I watched two installments of that and I was SHOCKED!  I mean, did you watch that?  That is some weird MadTv shit or something.  You know that improv game conducted story?  It’s like that.  A midget?!  Stop trying to be funny and just tell the story asshole!!  Weird.  And who was that white lady?  Why was there a white lady and why was it in the day time?  It’s so not anything like I expected, not sure what to think.

2nd Quarter

False start by the Bears.  Their 1st mistake so far.  They are just jazzed that they are winning.  Those announcers really have a hard on for Hester.  They are under full Devin Hester Effect.  They just said, “Hester in Motion.”  A Hester in Motion Stays in Motion.  Newton’s 1st Law of Football.

There is snow on soldier field now.  That #23 Seahawk blocked a pass.  Still not totally sure the difference between a block and interference.  I’m sure it’s a very subtle difference.  Oh wait, now Hester (also #23) just did a somersault under a bunch of dudes, that wasn’t okay, they gave him a foul or something I think.

I don’t think they’ve said one Seahawk’s name yet.  I feel like they’re set up for failure!  Poor Seahawks.  The score is Seahawks 0 Bears 21.

A Seahawk just stepped up and took down Jay Cutler (the QB).  But of course they didn’t even mention his name or even give me a clear shot of his number.  This is bias reporting.  Oh well, it is America.  Burn America, I just burned you!!

Dkung!  I saw one of their names!  And it was Dkung!  Weird name!

The Seahawks are working back from the 1yard line.

Oh scary there were people with painted skeleton faces in the crowd!  Ah!  Dio de los Football!!

Seahawks punt.  1st &10.

I had a dream that I had a litter of puppies.  I just had a flashback of birthing puppy sacks.  Gross, I know, sorry, I just really felt that feeling vividly.  You know how puppies are born in blood sacks and the mom has to lick them off so the puppy can breathe?  It’s so gross but it’s so natural.  She just knows what to do.  And the blood sacks are probably nutritious.  Huh, makes you think.

The ref is saying there was holding on the offense so they’re gonna kick again.  The announcers are up in their box dressed like they are Christmas carolers.  They’re all Dickens’d up.  Tony Siragusa is on the field!  OMG!  He’s on the sidelines in the cold talking in a mic, but the camera shot is from far away, it was startling cuz he looked like he was just a coach or something then you realized, HE’S TALKING TO ME!!!

The guys on the sidelines look like they work for Monster Energy Drink.  That or The Matrix.  With their black outfits w/ neon green streaks.

Brian Urlacher looks like Herc!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!  Small world.

Hester just slapped a dude in the face and a ref held him back! Sheeeeeeeit! I can’t believe Clay Davis got off.  That guy was perfectly cast.  Sheeeeeit!!!

Bear #6 is pissed.  He’s pointing and yelling and stuff.

Bears are punting.  Seahawks got it to 11 yards to the 35.

They just showed a time lapse video of all the field maintenance guys clearing the snow off the field at half time.  Pretty impressive.  To think that that’s a job.  That’s like a salary job.  Wow.  Amazing.  Truly.  Bear #33 just had to do push ups as punishment for missing a ball.

#23 and #23 just got up in each other’s faces and man they were gonna fight like dogs!  Crazy man!  23 fury!  Michael Jordan and Jim Carrey should show up and fight too!  And me, because my birthday is on the 23rd.  We get 23 people associated with the number 23…..and Nicholas Cage has got a new movie!

Tatupu!  I saw another Seahawk’s name!  Tatupu and Dkung!  Is the whole team from Sri Lanka or something?  A Seahawk got kneed in the head by a Bear and got carted off.  That’s two Seahawks that got carted off this game.  Both head injuries.  Scary!  All of my head injuries are self-inflicted through my insanity.

Seahawks 0 Bears 28

#33 Seahawk just ran the ball pretty far.  He has some rad green gloves.  Sponsored by Monster Energy Drink.

I can’t stand it when they cut to Tony Siragusa on the field!  It freaks me out!  It’s like you’re a peeping tom and watching someone through the blinds and they start getting nude, then they look at you, but keep getting nude, and you realize THEY KNEW YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!  What is real!?

Football: A Poem

Sometimes it’s smooth.

Sometimes it’s clunky.

Sometimes it’s playfully pouncy.

Sometimes it’s painful.

-by Amanda Ohly

I guess that poem could also describe my sex life.  With that in mind I will add this addendum to my poem:

Sometimes it’s deliciously satisfying.

Sometimes there is a bad call.

When they show coaches and sideline people in slow-mo it looks like someone is about to be assassinated.  Everyone is sort of in motion and really pissed and determined.

Back from the bathroom.  4th Quarter.

Hasselbeck.  He is the Seahawk QB.  The Bears are putting a lot of pressure on him.  Oh man, Jennings intercepted the ball but he got a flag.  Pass interference!  The crowd is pissed!  They are booing like crazy!  Scary.  Gladiator time.  Except instead of an emperor giving a thumbs up/down it’s a team of little old white dudes.  I guess Roman emperors were white-ish.

Touchdown Mike Williams!  Seahawks got a point!

They just cut to a guy in the crowd who looks like a satanic Mario Brother!  Ahh!  Fans are creepy aren’t they!  Fanatics.  I’m a fan of many things, but I don’t think I ever go “insane fan.”  Well, maybe with Mark Hamill.  But that was only for like a decade.  And I’m pretty into Michael K. Williams right now but I’m not going to go all Ali Larter in Obsessed on him!  I would in a movie!  I’d be so great as Alicia Silverstone in The Crush or Poison Ivy or Obsessed.  I’d be good as that role!  But my dream role would be Mayella Ewell or Myrtle Wilson or something.  Just heard Baz Luhrmann is doing Gatsby.  That will be neat.  I wish I could be Myrtle in that!  Bitchin’.  Car hittin’ bitchin’.

Seahawks 10 Bears 28 7:20 left

Is that insane?  Is there anyway that they can win at this point?  I wouldn’t know!  I guess not knowing makes the answer: YES!

It’s anyone’s name!  I mean GAME!  It’s all part of the game.  Sheeeeit!

And the crowd goes wild for the play that just happened!!  Then they kicked the ball and Hester caught it.  Do you think he got angry when that movie Easy A came out?  Like, he really doesn’t want people to be reminded of The Scarlet Letter.

The audio just messed up and it sounded like a gun shot!  I didn’t flinch though, I had a feeling someone was going to get assassinated.  Urlacher is soooo Herc!  Although to be fair, I’ve only ever seen Urlacher from an over the shoulder view.  Herclacher!

I think another Seahawk is down.  He sprained his ankle or something.  The Seahawks are not only losing, they are dying.  So sad. I wonder if they want pepperoni on their tombstone. Bwahahahha!

Score is 10 to 35.  If I was on a football team and I won a game for the team, and it was a really important game, I’d get the score tattooed on me.  Just to really remind myself who is great.  Me.  If I lost the game for a team and it was a really important game I’d go crazy and write “laces out” on everything I own and tuck my penis and assume the identity of a lost female hiker and become a police commander and kidnap Dan Marino, etc. etc.  Wow, 2 Jim Carrey references in 1 blog entry.  Effortless.

Seahawk  #17 Williams stepped it up.  He intercepted the ball and really did a god job.  Good effort.  Oh I think he got a score! 17 to 35.

Back in the booth with Bob Cratchet and Oliver Twist they’re saying how the game wasn’t flashy it was methodical.  On sides kick here by the Bears.  And what would have been a great junk shot if the kicker wasn’t wearing a little fanny pack.  Bears recovered the ball when they all jumped on top of it.  Cratchit and Twist name every Seahawk who should have grabbed it but didn’t.  They are getting harsh.  The winter’s cold air is making them bitter and unsympathetic.

I’m now supposed to rethink possible.  Okay.  A human, who has a litter of puppies!  Blood sacks=nutritious!

2min remaining.  The Seahawks don’t seem to know that they are losing.  They are just sort of pawing each other like puppies.  I’m not sure they know they’re playing football at all.

It’s anyone’s game!

A flag happened and all the refs are in the middle catching up and scoring some screen time.  It was an unnecessary roughness foul.  A Seahawk shoved a Bear’s head, then a different Bear pushed that Seahawk hard.

Hasselbeck threw deep and Seahawk #87 made a nice catch.  They did another play and they got a touchdown!  Wow!  23 to 35.  It really could be anyone’s game huh?!  They get a field goal. 24 to 35.  Can the Seahawks get 11 points in 1:24min?  Maybe!  But I suppose it’s more likely that 11 Seahawks will get horribly injured in that time.

OMAR!!!!!!!!  I can’t stop thinking about him!  He was done wrong!  Not okay.  I love him.  And what was the deal with that guy in the morgue switching the names on the body bags?  Oh shit I just remembered that!?  What was that!?  What did that mean?  Did the guy switch them cuz he thought that they had been switched or was he a creep who was trying to wrong do Omar even further!  Oh man, tell me what you think cuz I missed what happened right there!  Maybe instead of getting a tattoo of the scores of this game I’ll get a tattoo of Omar.  OMAR!!!  If I lived in Baltimore I would NOT be afraid of Omar, I would make him dinner.  Honey nut!  Ahhhh!!!  xooxoox

Okay The Seahawks are gonna kick it again.  Laces out or in?  We don’t know.  The Bears catch it.  #13 Knox catches it and then drops to the ground.  Like a fainting sheep.  There was an offsides call and they have a first down.  The Seahawks are out of time outs.  It’s anyone’s game!

Next week The Chicago Bears vs. The Green Bay Packers.

Why do they even bother running out the clock if they don’t really?  Like, if you’re gonna just stand on the field and say that they won….why do they even keep the clock going?  Hm, I’m not sure how I feel about the formalities of the clock.

But yay! Go Bears!  Poor Seahawks, they hobble back to Seattle to grunge out until next year.

Final score: Seahawks 24 Bears 35 Omar xoxoxoooxoxoxoxxoxoxxo

Thanks for reading!

See you next week for Packers vs. Bears!

Bears vs. Giants 10/3/10

Football

10/3/10

Bears vs. Giants.

The man looks like a baby.  The announcer man.  It’s sort of amazing how many men look like babies.  Man-babies.

The player has pink gloves!  Cute.  Oh they are all breast cancered out!!  Cute!

AW!!  Jay Cutler is a chubbo.

Those little video clips where the players all say their names and their teams…what is that called?  Their slates?  Anyways in their slates they are so weird.  It’s like they just learned their names for the first time to say it for that.

The ref is wearing pink too!!

SNF!!!!!  (Sunday Night Football for all of you football muggles out there.)

There they go!  Man, the crowd screams so much I hope they were doing vocal warm ups before the game started.  Oh shoot!!  The ball fell and the other guy almost grabbed it but then they head butted!  WHOA!!

This game is brought to me by Arkansas? No, Geico.

2^nd quarter.  When the Bears started having protection problems they should have switched to Durex.

The Bears kicked it and the Giant 15 caught it but he’s down.  Got knocked over pretty quick.

The Giants font looks like snickers and that makes me hungry.

You gotta be able to see when they are blitzing cuz someone is open.  Mike Tice is the offensive line coach for the Bears.  I thought he was the coach for the Vikings!  He must have switched recently.  Maybe the Bears had more Gatorade to offer.  But by the looks of him I don’t think he drinks Gatorade, I think he drinks gravy.  He’s chewing that gum pretty ferociously.

Are you going to watch The Event?  My DVR is going to tape it and neither me nor my husband scheduled it to record.  The Event is taping itself or there’s a ghost in my DVR.  Either way it’s going to make a good screenplay that I’m writing.

Oh my gosh, the channel changed to Sister Wives!  That’s crazy!  He has 3 wives!  And each wife has like 5 kids.  And he’s dating a new lady.  Holy holy.

Just found NFL again 3^rd quarter.

I’m really digging the pink on the outfits.  I like that.  I really like themed nights.  Like I’m in Chicago right now for Tony and Mikaela’s wedding and I suggested that they make their wedding “Hair & Teeth” themed.  It just feels very personal.

Snuck back to Sister Wives, they are reconfiguring furniture to get ready for the new baby.  Oh, and they have a dog too.  The husband’s hair is pretty greasy.  With that many wives you’d think one of them would keep him lookin’ okay.

Okay flipped back to NFL.  The NY Giants are huddled together discussing their next move.  So the Giant who got the ball went pretty far considering he had to fight his way through the mob of Bears.  Whoa, he just threw it and Julius Peppers jumped up and blocked it.  Go Julius Peppers!!!

3^rd and 1.

The Giants got the Bear down right away and that was good because they are dancing and cheering and the old white dude coach is flapping his hands like a bird.

The Bears kicked the ball and it went far and out and the refs are going insane blowing whistles and people are freaking out.  So after the kick there was holding and so there’s going to be a time out.  That seems fair.  ?

If I say “1^st and 10” does that make sense?  OR do I have to say “1^st and 10, 3^rd and 6:46”?

There’s my boy Julius Peppers!  They just showed his info on the screen for a while.

Uh oh, the Giants did a fake pass off and then they threw it far.  The Bears were right on top of him though.  After the Giant caught it he couldn’t get anywhere.

Wow the giants just got the bar further and now they got a touchdown!  He didn’t even try to go around he just dove into the people and made it over the line!  That’s how I’d play football if I was playing.  Just go for it man.  That’s how I play poker too.  All in or what’s the fun!?

They tried to do a field goal and they got a flag.  Offside.

Whoa.  That time the guys all started fighting, it looked like they paired off and started boxing and the QB (?) just ran it all the way down the middle.  That was neat.

I really like those hot pink and navy Bears hats.  They’re cool.  Maybe I should get one while I’m here in Chicago.  But it looks like this game is in NY.

Screen shot of the Bears’ white board.  It read, “poor pass, we are better than this.”  That is so sad.  And I totally relate.  My whiteboard at home says the same thing.  Exactly.

Whoa, that Bear #95 is a big dude.  Cute, but he a big dude.

I just looked up and the ball was flying down the field bouncing all by itself.  Devin Hester is getting a lot of screen time.

Those kicks are pretty graceful aren’t they?  I can understand why footballers have to take ballet.

I’m trying to get Tony and Mikaela’s cat Daisy to come snuggle with me and she won’t.  LAME DAISY!!  Miss Daisy, you better drive your ass over here for some cuddling!!!!  Do you think that line was cut from the movie?  The Facebook movie?  Haha just kidding.

4^th quarter.

The Giants start the quarter off by getting some fieldage.  But now the refs are talking about it.  We assume they’re talking about the play.  But they may very well be talking about the benefits of breast cancer awareness.

I think they think that the Giant tackled the Bear too hard.  Or at least that’s what they keep showing in slow motion over and over again.

The Bears just made a good throw.  It looked like the catcher’s name was Olsen, couldn’t tell cuz he got tackled by Giants immediately.

It looks like the Giants just intercepted it or just made a really good pass.  The Bear #10 is mad.

Okay now the Giants did a hand off and the guy who got it dropped it and the bears picked it up.  The old white man Giant on the side lines (coach?) is PISSED!  Oh man I would not want to be the dude who brings his daughter home late.  No sir.

Hold up a sec.  Are the Giants and the Jets BOTH from New York?  Is that different or the same as the Mets and the Yankees?  New York has 2 of everything?  While Idaho doesn’t even have 1 of anything….. 😦

Next SNF is Eagles vs. 49ers.  That is an interesting matchup.  I’d like to see their chemistry together.

Sometimes when I look up it looks like I’m watching athletics.  But more of the time when I look up it looks like I’m watching a bar fight.

When they wear those towels hanging from their belts in front of their crotches it looks like loin clothes.  Do you thin that’s intentional?  To accentuate their junk?  To subliminally intimidate the other team?  I do.  And I bet Lie To Me would agree.

Whoa!  Giant #44 took off with the ball and then Bear #35 took him out!

“You getta shot you take him out!” –Old white cop in The Fugitive.

After all the Bears and The Fugitive are both from Chicago.  Jane Lynch was in The Fugitive.  I bet when people watch that now they’re like, “Oh wow it’s Jane Lynch!  What a career!  I didn’t realize that she was in The Fugitive!”  Not me though, that’s how I know her first.  Same as how I know Samuel L. Jackson as Mr. Arnold in Jurassic Park first and foremost.  “Hold on to your butts!”  I’ll have to compile my favorite movie quotes for you sometime.

Okay so there’s a lot of cheering going on.  Wonder what I missed.  The score is Chicago 3 NY 10.  Aw no!  Julius Peppers!!

NBC is still trying to get me to watch Jay Leno?  No way!  Unless I get paid by him.  Then I’ll watch that.

Wow Giant #88 made a really good catch.  Tony is right those Giant jersey’s are cut weird.  Like muscle shirts.  I would venture to say that we might see a little side boob action.

Oh man, they just played a little bit of Empire State of Mind.  I love that song.  That song makes me want to move to NYC.  Maybe someone can pay me to watch Jay Leno from NYC.  It would be even better if someone would pay me to do something in NYC besides watch Jay Leno.

Out of all the things to raise awareness and money for I think breast cancer is a good one because then everything can be pink.  It’d be a bad idea to make your charity ribbons spit pea soup green.

Only 4:20 left in the game!!!  WHooooooooooo 4:20!!!!!!!!

Oh no!  A bear got hurt.  Number 10 the thrower!  (qb?)  He’s up and walking so I think he’s okay.  But he might have gotten whiplash or something he got pushed down from behind.

There is a lot of violent spooning going on.  Without a doubt when the dog pile disperses the last two guys left at the bottom are spooning.

I think the Giants are doing well defensively.  They keep taking down the Bears before they can get too far.  Do you think in olden times a Giant was bigger than a Bear?

The Dophins are the least threatening team name right?

With just 2 minutes left the Giants are trying really hard to score again.  #27 is getting them pretty far.

20 seconds left and it’s over I guess………..they are just walking around.  Giants won with 17 points.  Good game?  I guess.  I hope they all get pizza together after the game.  That’d be cute.  And delicious.  They better get pizza, they’re in NY after all.  Oh but I bet the Bears would insist on deep dish and then the spooning would start all over again!!

“Here we go again!!”

Bears vs. Cowboys 9/19/10

“Total yardage” sounds kinky.

Jumping in right here at the 3rd quarter.

2nd down and 10.

Whoa!  That Bear#75 is awesome!  He looks like a bear.  He’s all hairy and tattooed up!  I wouldn’t want him crouching behind me while I’m bending over a football.  i don’t know if he’s the guy who does the hiking but still, in football there’s always a chance one of those dudes will spoon you in action.

Cowboys just had a 10 play drive that lead to zero points.  Or so the man says.  Today’s game is being watched on FOX.

Just from glancing at this game, it seems more sporadic than the others I’ve watched.  The guys seem like they are falling and hopping and flying all over the place.  They just cut to Cowboy#99 doing pushups on the field.  Or maybe he was grinding on the ground.  NO, it seems that he did some sort of penalty because they are talking about a flag and that people are mad at him.

You miss so much not actually being there.  The crowd is cheering but there’s nothing on the screen but a guy itching himself, so what the hell are they cheering for?  Jock itch?  No, I doubt it, they are cheering for something that I can’t see and that makes me mad!  I want to see who is on the kiss cam!!

The man who might be the Bears coach (or one of the bear dudes who is old and wearing a headset) he is unfortunate.

Offensive leaders are Austin, Romo and Barber.  Are we all on the same page with that?  Good.

Mike Tyson is the coach for the Minnesota Vikings??!!?  Wow, they must be extra fierce this year.  Because don’t they have Brett Favre too?  Yeah, they do.  They are if anything, press worthy.

Uh oh false start.  I just learned the ref hand signal for false start.  It’s like a tae bo move. Oh man Briggs smacked the football down so the other guy couldn’t catch it!  Things are getting intense!  Now Bear#23 ran the ball pretty far.

That Gilette profusion razor commercial is super homoerotic.  They are talking about tug and pull a lot.  With smiles on their faces.  While one guy is in a towel.

Those sports announcers Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are standing in their announcer booth.  It seem so small and claustrophobic in there.  They should just be at a desk.  They are making me anxious.  I feel claustrophobic for them.

That unfortunate guy is talking into his headset sadly. Maybe he’s just mumbling Michael Bolton lyrics to himself.

They threw the flag in the area of the ball carrier.  That’s what she said.  So they’re moving back 10 yards.  Good thing it’s not 10 years!!  All the players would be teenagers or younger!  Crazy.  That’s like a disney movie waiting to happen.  A genie is the ref and he mishears “10 yards” for “10years” and they all get younger and realize that there’s more to life than football!  Email me at amandaohly@gmail.com and I’ll tell you where to send my check.

If I was a football player my number would be 23.  It’s the best sports number.  It’s the best number in general.  Plus there’s a movie about it so it has name recognition.

JULIUS PEPPERS!  OMG!  There’s a person named Julius Peppers?!?!?  I love him!  I want to eat his mall pretzels!  Or pizza pierogies or whatever food he’s vending!  I love that name!

The cowboy kicker didn’t do too well so they are probably not going to tie it up.  Bummer for him.  I know the pressure that is on a kicker first hand from a little film I call Ace Ventura Pet Detective.  It’s enough pressure to drive you insane and become transgender and kidnap dolphins and even murder.  Poor Buehler.  Or whatever his name is.

Jay Cutler is showing off with some throws.  Now he just gotta get Johnny Knox down the field.

How many football teams are there?  Not one for each state.  I’ve never heard of an Idaho team.  I’ve never heard about anything from Idaho.  Except potatoes, and I guess the B52’s song which is also a movie. So I take it back 3 things I’ve heard of reference Idaho. That’s more than I can say for you RHODE ISLAND!!!!

Uh oh Cowboy 21 is hurt.  He’s laying on the ground.  Do people ever die from football?  If you are married to a player is it like being married to a cop.  Where you never know if today is his last day?  You’re just dreading the day you come home from the grocery store and a bunch of coaches are waiting for you at your doorstep.  And as soon as you see them all and see their headsets and it registers, you know.  Must be scary.  Especially if your football life insurance only pays in your husband’s team merchandise.  You just gotta hope that when he dies he’s on a profitable team.  Cuz if you’re stuck with all that Idaho merch, that’d add insult to injury (and prompt death or football playing husband.)

Game is ending with a “Frustration Montage.”  Funny.  There sure was a lot of frustration this game.  I wish I could end my days with a frustration montage.

Someone fumbled and then the Bears got the ball.  So now it’s bear’s ball.  More frustration is happening.  They should have waited on the frustration montage.

2nd down and 7.  Here’s Taylor.

OMG they said that last week guys had to play with concussions!?  That seems like a really bad idea!  Especially for the aforementioned Idaho Taters wives.

Idaho Taters seems pretty obvious.  If we named the team after the song/movie it’d be: The Idaho Privates.  Much catchier for a more edgy time.  That time? 2020.  When I get enough money to own my own football team.  I think in 10 years I will have saved enough.  So far I have $2.00 in quarters saved.

Julius Peppers did something!  I heard them say his name again!  I bet he did something delicious!

1:30 left in the game and the score is Bears 27 to Cowboys 17.  I’m gonna be honest.  I don’t know if the Cowboys have a shot to win.  I don’t know if it’s even possible or if they have to just wait for the clock to run out.

It looks like they have a shot cuz Buehler (the rookie kicker) made a field goal so the Cowboys can tie if they get this on sides kick.  But if the Bears get it back the Bears will win.

Uh oh, I have to use my $2.00 in quarters for laundry.  I’ll start saving next week.  Hold on Idaho Privates!

The ball was kicked up in the air and a Bear caught it right away.  Number 80 Earl Bennett.

Just saw a Cowboy crying!  Maybe they’ll do a crying montage at the end of the game.  Now they are wasting the clock.  Wait, the Cowboys are on a time out.

Oooo next week the Bears are against Green Bay!?!?!  Who do I route for!?!?!  I’m Wisconsin born, but found myself in Illinois.  We’ll see which team offers the best nachos.  Or neatest names.  Is Julius Peppers on the Bears?  I might have to be a Bears fan!

Okay so the game is over and the Bears won!  Yay!

LET’s GO IDAHO!

PRIVATES!

picture courtesy of mike betette