Opening Day!! BUF vs. NYJ FTW!

Football’s opening day!! The Bills vs. The Jets!!  New York vs. New York!  It’s like a civil war up in here.  Brother vs. Brother.  Yankee vs. Yankee.  The Ultimate battle between…….The Bills and The Jets!  And just think, today is just the beginning, we’re in for a whole new season of games, players, costumes, sponsors, rivalries, junk food, you name it!  I’m pretty excited.   


I missed the beginning of the game because I was trying to refill the ice tray with water but the Brita pitcher leaked all over my kitchen floor and I had to wipe up the spill.  Normally I’d just leave the puddle there for nature to absorb it back into the air but my in-laws are visiting and I’m pretty sure my step-father-in-law witnesses the spill, I don’t want to come across like a sloppy mess!  


Sanchez is over the middle!  Sanchez is the Jets’ QB.  Mark Sanchez.  I wonder how nervous these guys are on opening day.  Is it like the first day of school?  Do they have fresh new uniforms.  I could never sleep the night before my first day of school.  Anxiety!  You should know that the first quarter is almost done and the Jets already have a TD.    


Tim Tebow is on the Jets this year.  He transferred.  Maybe he was being bullied too much on the Broncos.  


Jet 84, Stephen Hill, stumbles into the t-zone.   Wow, the Jets have another touchdown!  The score is BUF 0 to NYJ 13, 2nd quarter. 


So a little bit about me, this is my first football game I’m watching as a mom!  I had a baby three weeks ago!  I didn’t get to hike the baby to the doctor though, I had to have a c-section.  My little baby turned out to be as breech as they come.  So no football playing for me for a while! (On account of the massive abdominal surgery I had three weeks ago.)  But my baby is pretty great.  I wonder what team she will be into.  I’m pretty much into the Packers, I’m from WI.  Mike (my husband) is into the Bills, he’s from Western NY. Ellie (our dog) is an Eagles fan, she’s not from PA, but loves eagles.  But my baby is from Los Angeles…no real home teams.  Maybe she’ll like that one from San Diego?  I’m curious to see which team she gravitates towards as the season progresses.  


The shade of blue in the Bills’ uniforms is really great.  It compliments a lot of skin tones.  


Some penalty happened.  Ref #36 is really milking his ruling, he must not get a lot of stage time.  He ends up giving the ball to the Jets and Jet 11, Jeremy Kerley takes it all the way to the t-zone!!  Another touchdown!  I can’t believe it.  And they made the kick too.  More points.  Kerley does a funny chicken dance.  He should be a Bluth!  


My baby is dreaming about football.  I like to put her near the tv so the crowd sounds will act like white noise.  Get her used to being in loud and large arena type situations.  By the time she grows up it will be like the Hunger Games so it can’t hurt to prepare her auditorily.  


The announcers are talking about someone named Santana Moss, he sounds like an enchanted elf.  I just googled him, he’s not a wood elf 😦 he’s a player for the Washington Redskins.   


Oh no Bills 22, Fred Jackson is down!  He gets hit in the thigh pretty hard.  


Jets 24, Darrelle Revis said in an interview that he’s all about messing up people’s timing and rythm at the line of scrimmage.  Good strategy Revis, now you just need to change your name, Revis sounds terrible.  This guy is way too handsome to be named Revis.  Sounds like Regis Philbin’s poor twin brother.  


Touchdown Buffalo 28, CJ Spiller!  Finally, they’re on the board.




My favorite part about football is when they are in motion.  It looks pretty cool when they’re all running around and then rolling around on the ground.  It just takes them so long to reset everything.  Maybe they play music when you’re actually there, because it feels like if there was some Hans Zimmer going on you could actually tell a pretty cool story.  


That Fruit of the Loom commercial where the guys is doing flips in his underwear is up my alley.  I like people who tumble effortlessly.  It’s poetry in motion.  Throw some Hans Zimmer on top of those flips and you got a stew going.  Can you tell I’m excited for the return of Arrested Development?   


Fred Jackson is heading to the locker room.  Man to be injured on opening day must blow.  Do you still get paid if you don’t play?


Pile up, the refs are soooo into breaking it up.  Referees are like needy parents at a sleepover, always finding a way to check in on you.  Jets 23, Shonn Greene gets to keep the ball.  The announcers are ragging on the Bills’ defense.  Burn Bills!  But let’s back up for a second, the guy’s name is Shonn?  Is that like a creepy version of Sean?  What happened to Shawn?  My instincts are telling me I hate Shonn.  Although, he is #23 and that’s my favorite number, so he can’t be all that bad…right?!


Tony Sparano is the Jets’ coach or at least he’s holding their clipboard.  He looks like a questionable fellow.  

Sanchez gets pulled out so that Tebow can get in the game a little bit.  The announcers are like, “aw that sucks for Sanchez, that he does all the work then Tebow comes in at a critical point.”  I’m paraphrasing.  Is Tim Tebow sorta more famous than other players because he’s good, because he’s Christian, because he wrote a book, because he’s a QB or because when he smiles it warms your heart?  Maybe a combo of all of those?  


Tebow throws to Kerley who catches it but is out of bounds so it’s not a first down. 


The Coors Light commercial where the cool guy grabs the sun, then throws it into a tunnel and then a Coors Light train comes out…yeah, that commercial seems pretty far fetched.  I mean the train doesn’t even stop!  How do all the people get Coors Light if there wasn’t even a safe hand off area designated?   


Now this was an interesting play.  CJ Spiller drops it, then Jets 37 picks it up and bolts.  All the players dive on top of each other as 37 zig zags through the crowd.  This is when they need to scratch Hans ZImmer and play silly public domain music.  Well it turns out that the play is under review because they don’t know if CJ Spiller clearly had it.  And they ruled that he did, so that crazy zig zag counts!  But you know what is the creepiest part?!  There is no Jets #37!  I just checked the roster!  So either a ghost made that play or I misread the number on the back of the blouse.  I’m leaning towards the ghost explanation because even though I have terrible eye sight I would never admit to it.  


21 seconds until half time!  Mark Sanchez is chatting up Tony Sparano.  They have quite a chummy relationship.  Sanchez might just be sucking up so they don’t “Tebow” him too much this year.  


Jets 10, Santonio Holmes almost made a TD but flew out of bounds before he touched the t-zone.  They played his fall backwards and he looked like that Fruit of the Loom guy!


Wait a minute!  The Jets have 27 points all of the sudden!  But that TD didn’t count!  Okay- I’ve been informed that if you get a fourth down you can have the option to kick a field goal.  And the Jets did two of those so that’s where the points came from.  Mystery solved!  Speaking of which there’s a new Sherlock (not Santonio) Holmes show with Lucy Liu as a sexy My Dear Watson.  Fascinating.  I wonder if I care.  


Half Time!  Sponsored by Verizon Wireless!  It turns out that I have Verizon.  They’re okay.  They’re waaaaaaaay better than at&t so… at least I don’t have at&t.  


I gotta say all of the Sons of Anarchy commercials are making me want to give that show another shot.  I watched the first handful of episodes and it was okay.  I think I like the world it takes place in better than the actual plot lines.  Same as Game of Thrones.  Same as most stylized shows.  Except Downton Abbey, I like the plots of that all right.  But man, Katey Sagal looks so badass in SOA!  I should watch it just to watch her.  She’s pretty awesome in general but on that show she looks outstanding.  She looks like an X-Men card.  I know because I used to collect them.  The X-Women were always my favorite.  I always wanted to be one.  They were so beautiful and strong and could fly.  Triple threats.  


Okay had to take a break from the game to nurse.  To nurse MY BABY THAT I HAVE NOW!  It looks like when I was gone the Bills scored again.  But the game must not be that exciting because when I emerged from my bedroom Mike and my step-father-in-law were not really watching the game anymore.  They were both reading the infant car seat manual.  


BUF 14 NYJ 41  Whoa!  Opposites!  There should be some sort of alarm that goes off randomly and if it goes off the scores switch.  13:54 left in the 4th quarter.  I’m glad this game is broken up into quarters.  Makes it easier to break down. 


Personal Foul!  I think it’s on a Jet 30, LaRon Landry.  David Nelson, a Bill is down on the ground.  Man, opening day and these Bills are getting picked off real fast!  


Rex Ryan is another NYJ coach.  He is the locker room coach.  I think that’s what the announcer said.  Now Revis is being taken off of the field by guys with ties.  Not Men in Black style ties more like Father’s Day brunch style ties.  But he might be in trouble for grabbing Spiller’s leg?  That’s the clip they’re showing.  


Jets 98, Quinton Coples has a weird skin thing…wait no!  Oh God he’s been branded!!  Holy shit that looks horrifying!  Oh no Quinton!  Why?!  Why!!?  It’s all raised and nasty.  I can’t handle this.  I am really into tattoos but branding?!  That’s like a whole nother level of barf-worthy bod-mod that should not be a thing.  If you want to be different just grow your hair out like Clay Matthews or something.  BUT BRANDING?!  No.  Cover that shit up.  Listen to your mother.  And by your mother I mean the mother of my baby, me.  



Bill 19, Donald Jones got the ball and skipped into the TD.  Sweet, the Bills’ might have a chance.  Apparently they have a reputation for making amazing come backs.  They also have a reputation of sucking, hard.  At least they don’t have a reputation for getting BRANDED!!  Oh Quinton, NO!


BUF 12 NYJ 41  Tightening the gap!  


3rd & 12 4th 7:46  Everyone is standing around.  Okay- here they go!  They’re hopping around annnndddd…pile on!  Now they’re all standing around hearing a play or something.  Back in action- Bill 21, Leodis McKelvin got the ball and ran pretty darn far!  


Tebow looks so weird in green and white.  I wonder if the Jets are all super Christian now.  If he makes them sing church camp songs when they shower together.  If he does I’d like a copy of his song sheets, I forgot the words to a lot of my old church camp songs and it would be nice to be able to sing them to my baby.  In or out of the shower.   


Incomplete play- Chandler had the ball for a minute.  I bet Ross was jealous.  OH!!!  F.R.I.E.N.D.S. humor!  (I might have made that joke last year.  I don’t remember.) Why is Friends written like that anyway?  Is it an acronym? 










That must be what it stands for.  


Bill 13, Stevie Johnson got another TD!  They must be at the Jets’ field because no one is reacting when the Bills score.  Not even the Bills.  


BUF 28 NYJ 41 It’s anyone’s game!  Their scores could switch at any moment!  


Tebow is getting some good high fives from his team mates.  Looks like he’s settling in well on account of all the shower singing.


Oh my God it’s hot in my apartment.  We don’t have air conditioning and it’s like brutal today.  I always associate football with Autumn.  It should be crisp and cool and smell like cider.  Sweating out of your butthole is baseball weather.  That’s one reason I don’t watch baseball.  Actually that’s not true.  I like baseball, especially going to the games.  I love those frozen lemonade cups.  I need one of those right now.  


The Jets got a TD.  Wow!  How can they even see who has the ball when they’re all in a jumble like that?  


The refs recalled the TD, it was fumbled or something.  But now they’re saying it counts again.  Man, these refs are just starving for attention!      


BUF 28 NYJ 48 That’s like a good job for an opening day performance, or so they say!  Good jorb Jets!  Better luck next time Bills!  There is 1:17 left but everyone is acting like it’s pretty much over.  My in-laws are already out the door.  Not sure why they’re trying to beat traffic we’re at my apartment not a stadium.  Oh well, let the game end!


xo amanda






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Superbowl XLVI!!!!

Superbowl!!!!!!!!!!!  Number something. XLVI.  46!!  The Giants vs. The Patriots.  Or should I say Eli Manning vs. Tom Brady.  


I’m reporting live from MI’s Westside Comedy Theater.  They got a big screen going and people eating and drinking!  Superbowling!  So I appologize I’m starting late in the game.  I had to get a ride to the party and we had to stop and get wings on the way so I missed kick off, then I missed the first quarter cuz I was eating wings.  They were okay.  In all honesty the bar was really really dark so I don’t know if I was eating the fresh wings or the ones that had been there for a while.  


Why is Coca Cola obsessed with polar bears?  Is it because coke brings to mind mountains of snow?  Do they give money to prevent global warming?  I’m bored of these commercials.  


Okay we are in the 2nd at 9:09.  Things are moving slowly.  The Giants are winning 9 to 3 so far.  Oh no, someone tore their ACL.  Giants Number 47.  Yowch!  Sounds like the crowd at this party is for the Giants.  I’m sort of totally indifferent.  Except if the Patriots win my neighbor Donna would be really happy and that’d be awesome.  


Playing football must be like doing a trust fall.  You just run and jump into people’s arms.  Sometimes they catch you, and sometimes you tear your ACL.  


The Giants offensive line looks threatening.  But they have big hands so they could catch you if you fell.  


Okay, there might be a flag.  They got a first down but it got recalled on a flag.  I don’t know who “they” is.  Now “they” just missed a catch.  Okay, I think “they” is the Giants.  The white uniforms.  


Just when I get into it- there’s a commercial break.  I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.  Why do people make so many commercials about cars flying?  Getting dropped out of airplanes?  Cars snowboarding?  Why do you need your car to do that?!?!  Why are there so many car commercials in general?  Boring.  If you’re gonna drop a car out of an airplane, at least show my how it lands!  Otherwise, what’s the point?


OMG you guys, I’m outraged by the rerelease of The Phantom Menace.  So stupid.  


Oh the game is back.  Cool, only two terrible commercials.  


The Patriots are having a train at first and 12.  They gotta get it out of the end zone.  Or the “no no zone.”  Football can be a just a hugely publicized metaphor for keeping strangers out of your end zone.  


The Patriots just caught a long throw.  There were a bunch of boos.  If I was at home I would hear a bunch of cheers from my neighbor.  


That sketchers commercial with that french bulldog is really cute.  Even though I’m pretty sure sketchers uses child slave labor to make their shoes.  


The bottom of the 2nd quarter.  One minute and 35 seconds left and a possible fumble.  And it was a not a fumble.  The refs must get so excited to make calls.  


Now the refs are saying holding.  The Patriots are holding.  Which is not like traveling in basketball, it’s like you’re holding another person.  Which actually sounds romantic.  Unless you don’t want that person near your end zone.  


A Giant just shoved a Patriot off the field.  -Corinthians II 4:15-16.


Can we all agree that Eli Manning looks like Ethan Romm?  Yes we can.


That Doritos commercial with the baby in the bouncer is awesome.  I think my friend Kevin wrote that.  


The Rock and Bruce Willis are both in the same movie?  Too much scalp for me to handle.  I won’t be seeing that.  


It’s like the refs can’t stay off the field.  They are such attention whores.  I bet the politics of which refs work the super bowl are super intense and super boring.  


15 seconds left to the half time.  The Patriots are about to score!  They score!  They score the kick too so they have 10 points and the Giants have 9.  Close!  


They kick off and the Giants try to bring it back. The Patriots’ coach couldn’t dress up at all for the Super Bowl?  It looks like he just rolled out of bed wearing a shitty ass hoodie.  


Half Time!!!  Everybody is recapping and vamping until Madonna comes.  


Okay Madonna is up.  She has like a whole Egyptian army here.  I love me some spectacle.  Thank God.  Lady pop stars know how to bring the drama.  Rock and roll bands are cool, but let’s be honest, the Superbowl half time show should be drenched in elaborate costumes, stage props and hoards of backup dancers.  Thank God Madonna is doing this.  I like the sword sound effects that have been added to Vogue. Really ties into the whole Egyptian/Roman warrior motif.  Way to bring it together Madonna.  


That dancer guy just moved his leg like crazy!!  Oh, oh I figured it out it’s Cirque Du Soleil.  And there’s a cameo by LMFAO!  My suspicion is that LMFAO is just Justin Timberlake in disguise doing a bit.  She’s gonna give them a wardrobe malfunction!  


Alison Royer just yelled, “Geeze Madonna take it easy.”  It was funny because Madonna is doing weird push up things.  


Now there are cheerleaders.  Egyptian cheerleaders.  Is this a Madonna song?  It’s like a really weird “Mickey you’re so fine.”  The cameos continue.  Nicki Minaj!  She is beautiful whoever she is.  I hope I’m as sassy and Egyptian when I’m 50 like Madonna.  And MIA.  Not too shabby Madonna.  


Marching Band!  Drumline!  And the Drum Major is Cee Lo Green.  Cee Lo got a really small cameo.  She’s doing “Like A Prayer” and a haunted choir is dressed like they’re doing a secret ritual in a Dan Brown novel.  Oh, Cee Lo is back.  Good, I was gonna say, that was a tiny cameo.  Then at the end she disappears and a sign says “World Peace!”  WORLD PEACE!!!  Madonna sacrificed herself for world peace!  Don’t you feel like you just went on a really good Disneyland ride?  That’s what a halftime show is supposed to do.  


Aaron Krebs and I agree, best halftime show ever!


Madonna’s plastic surgery is pretty good.  Usually I’m like so against that shit, but hers looks decent.  Good job Madonna, spared no expense.  Just like Jurassic Park.  


Now, back to the game.  Bob Costas is giving us a run down of something.  I wasn’t listeneng because I was talking to Lloyd about bad plastic surgery.  


People just cheered for Clint Eastwood. 


They are showing a package montage of some of the players.  I’m confused.  Do they really need to fill airtime?  I keep thinking we’re officially back but then it goes to another bunch of analyzers or announcers or something.  I suppose now they need to vamp to get all that World Peace signage off the field.  


Okay the game is back, the Patriots coach woke up from his nap, he looks cranky.  Don’t worry buddy, just a few more hours and you can sleep for a few months.  


Here we go, they’re playing now.  Oh my gosh, my ACL is hurting just watching them rolling around.  Tom Brady’s publicity stills are pretty douchey.  


I feel sick, I think I ate too many Doritos.  I don’t think you’re intended to eat more than a handful.  I don’t think I’d be up for playing in the Superbowl today.  I’m too tired and my knee hurts.  


The Patriots just made another touchdown.  That means my neighbor Donna is screaming, hope my dog doesn’t get scared from all the screaming!  It think she’s used to it but we’re usually home when games are on.  


SMASH is trying to be the best show out there.  Whatever.  It’s claiming to be most original.  What year is this?  Most original?  I don’t think so.  If people like it, that’s cool, but it’s for sure NOT original.  It’s like every other show about show business ever except it’s starring the undiscovered talent, Katherine McPhee.  


That big guy Wilfork just kissed that white haired man, that was so weird and cute.  Whoa, dogpile and someone’s helmet went flying off! It’s scary when a helmet goes flying off.  Even more scary when the head is still in it!  Cold opening to a CSI anyone?


They’re talking about a Giant named Nicks.  He seems like a star.  He’s got some star power.  He should be introduced on SMASH!


I’m scared of Eli Manning.  So scared that he’s going to kidnap me and bring me to The Others and try and kidnap my unborn baby.  Ahhh!!!!!!  


Patriots 17 Giants 12


Greek yogurt commercial.  John Stamos, have mercy!  


What does it say about our economy when every commercial is a car commercial?  That car companies have a lot of money to make a ton of commercials.  


I’ve seen Jay Leno twice today.  What’s the deal.  Oh yeah, this shit is on NBC.  


In the Budweiser commercial people are partying at the cafe from Bones!  The Royal Diner!  That means they filmed that on the Fox lot.  I’ve totally been there.  


Bill Belichick is nasty.  He just washed his hands in his own spit.  I guess in his day there wasn’t purell.  Wait a minute, this is his day!  He gross.


The 3rd quarter goes out with a fight.  A lazy fight that’s easily broken up.  


Jack in the Box commercial:  “You may now eat the bride?”  Uh… thanks.  I feel like more often than not commercials make me dislike a product I already sorta like.  


Starting the 4th quarter out with a little tight end comparison.  The “tight end” is like the “short stop” in baseball.  The position is two words that you can make a lot of puns about.  Looks like we’re looking at moving pictures (Harry Potter style) of Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez.  Hernandez looks tight, but Gronkowski looks sassy.  He’s totes up to no good.  I bet he is the first person to make a pun about his title.  He probably screams out “I’M THE TIGHT END!!” while he makes love.  So sassy.  


Brady slips away from a sack and it gets intercepted by Giant 93, Chase Blackburn.  Okay, now people are getting jazzed, the crowd is going wild, the announcers have a sense of urgency in their voice. We got ourselves a football game!  


Now there was a forced fumble and the recovery was made by the Giants.  The slow motion of that was actually pretty.  They all looked like wildebeests running from a cheetah attack.  Glorious.  


Oh, here is that Matthew Broderick commercial I was hearing about.  I guess my only thought on this commercial was, whose little girl is he riding in the roller coaster with?  That cute little African American girl was just at Pacific Park by herself?  Who lets their little kid on a roller coaster with a stranger, you know that little girl is too young to know who Matthew Broderick is!  I’m almost too young to know who he is!  


Metlife got the rights to Hanna Barbara characters.  That’s all well and good except for the fact that Daphne from Scooby Doo appears to be dating Rich E. Rich.  Isn’t she way too old for him?  I guess age means nothing when one of you is so rich that it’s in your name twice.  Kanye has two words for girls like Daphne, and the words are: Gold Digger.  Cuz she ain’t messin’ with no broke fellow.  


Here’s another commercial for SMASH, now I feel like I know even less about this show.  Is it about making music videos?  Or is it about stage performances?  Either way, I don’t care.  I’m a Taylor Hicks girl.


Giants are using their first time out of the second half.  


They’re playing and there is a flag.  The defense was offsides.  Now Eli throws it to Nicks for a first down.  


Jake Ballard is down at the 40 yard line.  Injury time out.  Perfect timing for another car commercial.  One about a guy almost dying.  I don’t think that’s funny.  


Bud Light commercial.  It’s about a cute little dog being made to bring beer to lazy drunken people at a party.  I think that one guy in there is named Echo.  One of the first people I’ve recognized all day!  


So, Ballard is out of the game from an injury.  Is there a rule if too many people get injured they have to forfeit?  I feel like that would be a bad guy team strategy in a movie.  To just really hurt them all until they have to give in. 


“I’ll tell you Victor Cruz is something special.”  The announcer is super into him.  


Mario Manningham caught the ball this time.  Now Nicks caught it and went out of bounds.  Ballard sprained his knee, BTW.  Manningham caught it again but he was too far over, the announcers are not smitten with him, he cost the Giants a big play. Ballard is still down, he’s rolling around on the side lines.  


Flag.  False Start.  A Patriot knocked the ball out of a Giants arms and the Giants coach is furious!  He’s really wound up, Bill Bellichick would never get that wound up unless you see him chasing rabbits in his dreams.  His little feet are twitching.  It’s pretty funny.  


Career commercial features chimps.  I thought that wasn’t allowed because it was animal abuse?  Are we over that?  I guess if you can rescue a dog in order to bring you beer, you can have a chimp wearing a dress.  


My friend Dustin was in the Samsung commercial where they sing, “I believe in a thing called love”.  Go Dustin!  You rule!  


The score is still 15 to 17, BTW.  5:30 left in the game.  


There is a Giant named Boley.  I like that.  It reminds me of me.  My married name (Betette) and maiden name (Ohly) together.  Boley.  I think I just identified with a Giant!  


4 minutes remaining.  


I really wish that they’d stop showing pictures of Eli Manning, he’s creeping me out.  Manningham caught a long throw, is he in bounds?  He seems to be in and now the announcers are saying how great he is, and how he has control and they’re like all over him!  It takes one 38 yard catch and then the bullies become your BFFs.  


Next play: incomplete.  


Next play: Manningham catches it again.  


Eli Manning licks his hands.  Nasty.  


2nd & 8


Nicks catches the next throw.  


Y’all wanna see Swamp People?!


Go Daddy customers must be primarily in the pornography industry.  There is an awful lot of nude women in their commercials to appeal to a legitimate business.


They are still showing clips of Mannington’s catch.  


Okay….a Giant named Bradshaw just sat down into the end zone!  Touchdown?!  


57 seconds left and the score is 21 to 17 (Patriots).  They are saying that it’s a good strategy on the Patriots part, but it seems like letting the other team score isn’t such a good thing.  


Now Tom Brady is stepping up to the plate to try and score before this minute is done.  He threw it alright but his buddy Branch missed the catch.  Now he threw it to Hernandez (tight end, remember?) but it was dropped.  Man, the pressure is on.  Now this time Brady got sacked.  Brady throws it to a buddy and he caught it but then went out of bounds but I think they’re moving up.  Now the announcers are talking so fast that I’m not totally sure what is going on but there is 17 seconds left.  There is a long throw and no one caught it.  Now there’s a flag.  There’s another throw and a catch but the guy was out of bounds.  Now a long throw to the end zone…….but no one catches it and the game is over.  The Giants win the Superbowl!  Wow!  What just happened?!  History, that’s what.   


Thanks for reading everyone and I’ll see you next year for some assorted games!  Love ya lots!! xoxoxoxo Amanda





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Eagles vs. Bills 10/9/11

My dog, Ellie is a big Eagles fan…which doesn’t make any sense considering Michael Vick being on it, but…there she is.  Loving the Eagles.  

We had to run to 7-11 to get a frozen pizza so we missed the beginning of the game.  We are about to end the first half.  I’ve just heard that I missed a great quarterback sneak.  That sounds mischievous.  And also, sexual.

Eagles 7 Bills 21

The Eagles coach looks like he’s had a hard life.  This poor man.  He’s probably worked really hard and it’s just not working out for him.

At the Fox Sports desk Jimmy Johnson is zoning out watching the monitor and his co-friend makes a joke that he’s watching Terra Nova!  Ahahaha! Those guys are awesome!  I love Terra Nova.  Remember when we saw the first glimpse of Terra Nova during the Superbowl?  I do!  That show is going to be my new drama fix.  I think Bones is on its last season so I’ll need a new good one.  Terra Nova better get picked up for 6 more seasons!

Eagle 69 intercepted the Bills throw.  Nice catch, bad throw.

The Eagles just got it pretty far again.  They only have 11 seconds.  They throw….and a Bills flies by and blocks it!  AWESOME WATCH SHOT!!

Michael Vick threw the ball far in the end zone.  That’s called “throwing the ball away.”  The time ran out, but Michael Vick is holding his pointer finger in the air.  He thinks he’s number one.  Or he thinks he has one minute left, but he doesn’t.  They are saying that he waited too long and he blew it.

I love breast cancer week because they all have hot pink on!  It’s so good!!  It’s very visually pleasing for me.  Hot pink can really make any color pop!

A bunch of exciting stuff happened.  This is a really good game!

CJ Spiller (Bills) runs along the side line and gets it pretty far.

How can they even see where the ball is?!  I don’t see some of these passes.  It’s like 3 football monte.  I always think the guy running backwards has it but then the camera doesn’t follow him and the next think I know there is like 30 guys in a pile on top of each other!!!

There is a Red Zone Offense.  That sounds serious.  And/Or sponsored by Mountain Dew: Code Red.

Stevie Johnson (Bills) got a first down.

FYI: Juan Castillo is the Eagles defensive coordinator. Do you think of Murphy Brown every time you say “FYI”?  I do.  I also think of Murphy Brown every time I think of shoulder pads, awkward elevator interactions, live-in painters, and Wendy’s drive thrus.  Not sure what that last one’s about, but it’s true!

Bills Touchdown!!!!

Asomugha.  Who!?

One of the announcers said that they just did his favorite formation.  I guess football and synchronized swimming are more similar than any of us realize.

Brad Smith, Bills #16 is slow motion blowing kisses to the crowd.  Cinematic.  Football should have movie directors.  Play some Hans Zimmer shit under those pile-ons.  Make it kinda grainy like Three Kings.  Kitty half time show.  Now that’s entertainment!

Roger Goodell is the NFL commissioner.  And he’s up in the box with the announcers to talk about Al Davis’s passing.  WHOA!!  That is NOT what I thought those announcers looked like!  They are like Alice in Wonderland characters.  So, Al Davis was the owner of the Raiders, “Who left a tremendous legacy and whose passion for the game was unmatched.”  Roger Goodell is trying to say nice things about Al Davis but they have to keep cutting to the game……it’s really strange.  Maybe the last portion of an exciting football game isn’t the best time for a memorial….but maybe Al Davis would have wanted it that way.

RIP Al Davis, “Just win baby.”  That’s probably the best quote to have under your picture when you die.  I would want to have, “Pepperoni.”  And hope people would get that I was responding to the question, “What do you want on your Tombstone?”

I had to Google Roger Goodell to make sure I got his name right and the second thing that came up was: roger goodell salary.  So I clicked on the link and saw this:

“The SportsBusinessJournal reported this week that the NFL’s tax filing revealed that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell earned $6.5 million in his first seven months as commissioner from Sept. 2006 to April 2007. That would give Goodell a prorated salary of $11.2 million annually.”

So yeah.  I would like to be the NFL Commissioner.  What kind of degree do you need for that?  I mean, you just have to know the names of the people who own the teams and look cute for ribbon cuttings and stuff, right?

Michael Vick runs the ball to the 11 yard line and a Bill shoves him out of bounds.  It was a 53 yard run.  I think that was a record or something. Eagles touchdown by #25, LeSean McCoy. The Bills Mascot, that blue buffalo, Billy, he just gave a “get outta here” wave.  It was hilarious.  I’m having a harder time finding Billy’s salary, but I bet it’s more than mine!

Now the Eagles have 14, and the Bills have 28.

I’m tired, frozen pizza really makes me lethargic.

Fitzpatrick does a small pass to Fred Jackson and he got it far!  Then he has a cuddle moment with Eagle #23.  It was weird.  Romantic and weird.  They cuddled helmets and cupped butts.

The crowd is chanting something but I can’t tell what it is!!  DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY’RE SAYING!!

Cullen Jenkins (Eagle) is being escorted on to the field.  He is a big dude.  This is creepy.  It’s like he should have chains around his neck and the escorts are going to pull the chains off and run and he’s just going to destroy Russell Crowe!  Oh, sorry I was thinking about Gladiator again.  Don’t bring up Hans Zimmer unless you want me day dreaming about Joaquin Phoenix giving a thumbs down for the rest of the week.

Fitzpatrick panics and throws the ball to no one.  That’s what I would be like if I was a football player.  I’d freak out a lot.  Why do they keep giving me the ball?!?!?!??!

Justin Rogers might have done something good.  I didn’t see him but the announcer said his name with force so, there must have been a reason for it.

Michael Vick did break a record.  The all time QB rushing record.  It took them that long to get all the clips of him running? You’d think with the technology we have today that would have been ready a half hour ago.

Byrd (Bill) got the ball from Eagle #81, Jason Avant.  Avant is really upset about it.  Fred Jackson (Bill) gets a yard on the play.  Geeze Jason Avant is super down on himself.  When he was a kid I bet his parents were like, “I want you to go up to your room, and think about what you’ve done.”  And he would, for weeks, crying.  I was kinda like that too.

LOOK AT ALL THAT GATORADE!!!!!!!!  There’s like a million cups!!!!  I want a bird’s eye view shot of that to see if they’re all different flavors or if they’re all orange.

Joe Aceti died also.  He directed football.  So they do have directors!!!!!  RIP Joe Aceit.  May there be football and Hans Zimmer music in heaven.

Tapp!!  Did you see his face!!!  Darryl Tapp, he just gave a really weird look to the camera.  He’s officially on my radar.

14 to 28

Personal foul!!  The announcers regarding Asomugha, “He loves to get his hands on you. And jolt ya with those long arms!”

Quarter backs love tight ends.  You heard it here first.

Rian Lindell (Bill) will attempt a field goal.  We all know what Yoda would say about that, “Attempt not, do or do not, there is no attempt.”  Or something like that.

“Billieve” that’s cute.

Fitzpatrick is looking at a binder.  Is he studying a play?  I am shocked.  Shocked that their playbooks are not sponsored by iPads or hp project runway work screens or some technology like that.  Actually I’m not surprised at all considering it took them an hour to find footage of Michael Vick running.  Plus it’s probably really hard to get the old coaches to learn how to work something as advanced as an iPad.  That was mean.  Sorry old people.  I was out of line especially because I follow @PeteCarroll on Twitter.  Not sure why I follow him because I haven’t seen one Seahawks game ever in my life.

4th quarter.  Eagles touchdown!  20 to 31.  Sometimes points happen and I don’t know it.

LeSean Jackson Eagle #10, has some tattoo sleevage going on.  He can be in my NFL TAT coffee table/bathroom reader book.

“Byrd & McKelvin” sound like a comic strip.


OMG, Jason Avant!!  He had the ball, but Bill #29 (Drayton Florence) popped it out of his hands and Bill #50 (Nick Barnett) grabbed it!!  It was really awesome!!  But poor poor Jason Avant!!  He’s like the Eeyore of the NFL.  He’s going straight to bed tonight, no dinner, and no phone privileges for a week!  This is not a fumble, this is an interception!

24 to 31. 4th quarter 1 min 45 sec left.

Do the refs pat each other on the butt too? They’ve at least tried it.

1 min 23 seconds left.

They are lined up for a proper play.

Nothing happened and then the crowd goes wild and the Bills start pointing at the Eagles.  This is a good game.  I’m like- WHAT!?  They faked the snap and they got an Eagle to go over the line so they got a first down.

So I guess the last 32 seconds don’t count because the Bills won!! And there is a lot of angry hand shaking going on down on the field.  Parker (Eagle) must have been the one who blew the play because the coach grabbed him by the arm and is taking him off and giving him what looks like a “what do you want on your tombstone” talk.

Michael Vick seems to be friends with a lot of the bills.  They are all laughing and hugging and being besties.

That was a pretty great game!!  I watched almost all of the second half!

Yay football!!!!!

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I saw him at the Milwaukee County Zoo!  He is way tinier and whiter than he looks on TV.  Also, he’s really into dairy cows.



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Colts vs. Steelers 9/25/11

They’re just coming back from half time.  I missed the first half of the game because I was watching the indie movie, Spooner.  It was really really sweet.  Matthew Lillard is pretty adorable in it.

So where are we.  The Colts are blue and white.  Nice clean uniforms.  Not sure why they’re blue and white, colts are baby horses so they should be brown with fringe or something, but…they’re sharp so that’s good.

The game is on NBC so Michele Tafoya is on the ground in purple and really talking into that mic.  Not sure what she’s talking about but she seems to be confident that she’s communicating about football.

I guess the Bills vs. Patriots was an insane game today.  It wasn’t on TV, so I didn’t see it.  But Buffalo won, and the Patriots are allegedly a really good team so it was an exciting game.

If I went to a football game, it’d be a night game.  That’s how you’d want to do it I think.  You’d want to be cozy in a jersey and a hat and nachos.  With a cool breeze.

PIT 10 IND 13 (that’s the score)

The Steelers, as usual, look pissed off.

James Harrison and Lamarr Woodley are on the screen.  The announcers are comparing their “sacks.”  I guess neither of them have any!  Boy I hope he’s is talking about a different kind of sack than I’m thinking of.

BTW: Lamarr Woodley is on Twitter.  Just incase you wanted to follow him @LaMarrWoodley. But I should warn you, he’s like obsessed with ancient Egypt.  His handle is “Pharaoh Redwood” and his background is a giant King Tutankhamen.  So yes, I think I’m in love.

Dick Lebeau is the Steelers defensive coordinator.  And he’s 74 years old.  Dang.  He looks good for 74.  I hope that when I’m 74 I’m working a job I love so much that I won’t leave it to go read Dean Koontz novels on an Alaskan cruise ship.  Does Alaska have a football team?  No.  They don’t.  But they should.  And they should be mighty and great.

Wow, these announcers are really talking about sacks today.  I have watched a lot of football games now and never heard them talking about sacks.  Must be trending.

Whoa, Steeler #64 (Doug Legursky?) is a big dude.  Scary big.  Not just any scary, Steelers scary!

SNF sounds so gross.  Brings to mind a snail fart.

These plays are fast.  These guys can move pretty fast when they want to.  I feel like they don’t get to run free enough.  They are caged animals!!!!

Roethlisberger got scared and just threw it far away and no one caught it.  Total chaos.  The crowd loves the chaos.  They are going nuts!! That time Roethlisberger got a clear shot and threw it to #83 (Tight End, Heath Miller?) who caught it.  Wow.  These guys are fast and hard in this game.  They’ve totally got their hearts in it.  Maybe they bet a lot of money on themselves.

2nd & 11.  Whatever that means.

Wow, the Colts fans are going nut sacks.  Are these team rivals?  This game feels more intense than it ought to.  Maybe it’s the caveman violence the Steelers put forth.

The Steelers coach guy should be played by the guy on the wire who played the boxer.  You know, the guy from Terrible Bosses.  Or was it Horrible Bosses?  I didn’t see it, I just saw that that guy from The Wire was in it.  And I was like, Oh good he’s working!  So far in my “The Cast of the Wire is The NFL” I’ve cast Chad Coleman (Cutty) as Mike Tomlin and Domenick Lombardozzi (Herc) as Brian Urlacher.  WAIT STOP!  I was wrong.  I just google image searched Mike Tomlin and he doesn’t look anything like Chad Coleman.  He looked like him in the moment though.  Maybe he has a similar intensity.  So, even though Chad Coleman doesn’t look just like him, I’m certain he’d portray him brilliantly.

“Play football you damn Steeler bastards!!”

 It’s Mark Hamill’s birthday today.  I wonder if Mark Hamill likes football.  If he does, I’d be surprised.

Maurice LaMarche does the VO for Lexus commercials.  And ever since I found out about it (I think from the Rob Paulsen podcast) I can’t stop hearing Calculon when those commercials come on, which is a lot.  Apparently football fans can afford a Lexus.  Calculon is totally the Lexus of robots.

Peyton Manning is in the coach’s box up top.   He had surgery or something and isn’t playing for a while.  They really hope that he’ll play this season because he’s so famous.

Incomplete pass to a Colt.  Now a Colt punted the ball.

Steeler #83 (Heath Miller?) caught a good pass.  The crowd is not happy.  Chaos.

Let’s go to Michele down on the field. She’s talking about someone who has uneven shoulders.  She’s not talking about herself because if her shoulders were uneven you’d be able to tell in that purple top she’s got on.

Colt #23 (Terrence Johnson?) just body bumped Roethlisberger out of bounds. It was sort of funny.  These guys are like heat seeking missile.  Or Sack seeking missiles.

Flag on the field!!  Pass interference.  Colt #51 (Pat Angerer?  I wouldn’t want to make him angerer! But seriously it sounds like he should be a Steeler with that name.) automatic 1st down.  I guess that’s like in baseball when you get to walk if you get too many balls, or sacks if you will.

Has anyone made a career of painting these football players and majestic mythical creatures?  I think that’d be a good way to get fantasy nerds into football and football fans into magic.  A football playing centaur would be pretty sexy.  More sexy than this crude portrayal:

Photo stolen from:

Another penalty!!  Holding was called on Steeler #72 Jonathon Scott!!  If I was in the DJ booth every time someone got called for holding, I’d hit a clip of the song, “I wanna hold your hand.”

Oh FYI, we’re in the 4th quarter now.  Not sure when that happened.  You’d think there’d be like a whistle blow or something.

Wow, Steeler #88 Emmanuel Sanders caught a good pass.  SNailFarts!!!!!

Actually on the replay it didn’t look as far.  But the announcers say it’s really good for Sanders.

These guys have a lot of tattoos.  Is there a database of all the NFL tats?  That should be a tab on  I’m sure if I search “NFL Tattoos” I’ll just get a bunch of hillbilly tats that say “Gators” or something.

That Colt mascot is pretty cute.  They should utilize him more.  Give him his own energy drink!!  ColtyzJoltz!!

And I’ve lost the game.  Argh.  My DVR changed channels because I’m trying to tape too many things at once!  Sorry Steelers vs. Colts but the Amazing Race Season Premiere is on.  Also Breaking Bad is happening.  I’m sort of over Breaking Bad.  I just watch it so I know what people are tweeting about.

I just looked it up and it looks like the Steelers won 23 to 20.  Hmmm…sounds like I missed some watch shots.  I bet it got pretty chaotic over there in Indianapolis.  Hearts were broken, bleachers were trampled, and nachos were enjoyed by all.

I love you and I hope you love football as much as me.


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Packers & Bears: Taste the Rainbow

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My prediction for the Rams vs. Giants game tonight.

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