They are playing at Soldier Field. I knew that because it is snowing on the field. So I deduced that they are in Chicago. And since I lived in Chicago, I know the stadium is called Soldier Field. I’m getting good!
So the game has begun. 4th &3. The games where it looks cold are a lot more intense aren’t they? Flurries definitely add an element of drama. I would like to address Devin Hester, Bear #23. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he has a mischievous streak. I can see him being a prankster, not so much a prankster but someone who manufactures inconveniences for other people, then people suspect he did it but don’t have any proof. And it’s certainly not “all in good fun!”
Bear 82, Olsen, walked straight out of 1976 and into the end zone with a pretty bad ass touch down! Wow! That seems like fast touchdown, there’s still 12 min on the 1st quarter.
Okay so the Seahawks have the ball and a guy just flew through the air and slammed his face on the sideline which the announcers say does not have coils, like the field has. So this dude just took a face plant on some ice!!! Ahhh! Let’s hope he’s okay. Damn, occupational hazard I guess. My occupational hazard is falling into some sort of sugar/caffeine coma. Well, it’s not an occupational hazard I’m just at high risk for diabetes because I just ate, in no uncertain terms, an entire tray of brownies for breakfast. Darlin’ ain’t I? (rhetorical)
I gotta get something off of my chest. I stayed up until 4am last night watching The Wire. I finished the series. I know I’m like 5 years late but….man I’m feeling low today! I’m having post partum depression over this thing. I powered through all 5 seasons in 2 months and I’m exhausted emotionally. The game is back on…….
Now it’s really snowing. I think the snow enhances the acoustics of the crowd. The crowd sounds are more intense, more blood thirsty. Olsen got the ball far, almost a touchdown but not quite. Then the second try the other guy went all the way around, he got it close too but not close enough. I guess football comes down to: go through or go around. Strategic.
Whoops. Dropped some bread crumbs down my cleavage. Sexy!
And Bodie died! I guess he deserved to die cuz he killed Wallace in the beginning. That’s like total foreshadowing. Right?
Olsen just took the ball in the right direction again. He seems like one of the stars of the team. Him and Hester and of course, my favorite Julius Peppers.
But let’s focus on the Seahawks a little, so we know that they are from Seattle. Their costumes are white and blue. I’m watching the game on Fox and they are not really talking about the Seahawks so much…..The Bears guys are getting most of the attention. Okay now they are talking about the “fundamentals of the Seahawks are not really being played out today.”
Oh man the announcer just said, “the devin hester effect.” Yeah! He has an effect! Pretty cool! I told you, he sort of influences things…he gets under your skin, and you don’t really know how he does it but you know he’s behind it! Shit! Omar died! Man, I’m really worked up about that. He was by FAR my favorite character. Like, BY FAR, and I really really liked a lot of characters. But Omar was like above and beyond. He might be the best character on any show ever. Bears touchdown, by Cutler! the QB! He’s Aaron Rodgerin’ it up. I just feel like he had such a shitty end, (Omar) it’s like the whole Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns thing. I guess I should have known that shitty shit kid would shoot him, I never trusted that kid, and when he was torturing that cat, man, I wish Omar had shot him right there! At least he went to jail, but probably not for long. Tried as a juvenile or something. A Seahawk just dropped the punt catch. Seems like the Seahawks are in their heads today. Or in their helmets! Do you think the coaches just yell, “get outta your helmets?!?!” Maybe they do. Michael K. Williams (who plays Omar) he replied to me on twitter. I think I’m in love. The Seahawks can’t make the catch, 3rd &1, oh nevermind pass interference 1st down. It’s his eyes, (Omar again) his eyes are so expressive, so vulnerable. I LOVE HIM! Then I found out that he was in that R. Kelly- In The Closet thing, so I watched two installments of that and I was SHOCKED! I mean, did you watch that? That is some weird MadTv shit or something. You know that improv game conducted story? It’s like that. A midget?! Stop trying to be funny and just tell the story asshole!! Weird. And who was that white lady? Why was there a white lady and why was it in the day time? It’s so not anything like I expected, not sure what to think.
2nd Quarter
False start by the Bears. Their 1st mistake so far. They are just jazzed that they are winning. Those announcers really have a hard on for Hester. They are under full Devin Hester Effect. They just said, “Hester in Motion.” A Hester in Motion Stays in Motion. Newton’s 1st Law of Football.
There is snow on soldier field now. That #23 Seahawk blocked a pass. Still not totally sure the difference between a block and interference. I’m sure it’s a very subtle difference. Oh wait, now Hester (also #23) just did a somersault under a bunch of dudes, that wasn’t okay, they gave him a foul or something I think.
I don’t think they’ve said one Seahawk’s name yet. I feel like they’re set up for failure! Poor Seahawks. The score is Seahawks 0 Bears 21.
A Seahawk just stepped up and took down Jay Cutler (the QB). But of course they didn’t even mention his name or even give me a clear shot of his number. This is bias reporting. Oh well, it is America. Burn America, I just burned you!!
Dkung! I saw one of their names! And it was Dkung! Weird name!
The Seahawks are working back from the 1yard line.
Oh scary there were people with painted skeleton faces in the crowd! Ah! Dio de los Football!!
Seahawks punt. 1st &10.
I had a dream that I had a litter of puppies. I just had a flashback of birthing puppy sacks. Gross, I know, sorry, I just really felt that feeling vividly. You know how puppies are born in blood sacks and the mom has to lick them off so the puppy can breathe? It’s so gross but it’s so natural. She just knows what to do. And the blood sacks are probably nutritious. Huh, makes you think.
The ref is saying there was holding on the offense so they’re gonna kick again. The announcers are up in their box dressed like they are Christmas carolers. They’re all Dickens’d up. Tony Siragusa is on the field! OMG! He’s on the sidelines in the cold talking in a mic, but the camera shot is from far away, it was startling cuz he looked like he was just a coach or something then you realized, HE’S TALKING TO ME!!!
The guys on the sidelines look like they work for Monster Energy Drink. That or The Matrix. With their black outfits w/ neon green streaks.
Brian Urlacher looks like Herc!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!! Small world.
Hester just slapped a dude in the face and a ref held him back! Sheeeeeeeit! I can’t believe Clay Davis got off. That guy was perfectly cast. Sheeeeeit!!!
Bear #6 is pissed. He’s pointing and yelling and stuff.
Bears are punting. Seahawks got it to 11 yards to the 35.
They just showed a time lapse video of all the field maintenance guys clearing the snow off the field at half time. Pretty impressive. To think that that’s a job. That’s like a salary job. Wow. Amazing. Truly. Bear #33 just had to do push ups as punishment for missing a ball.
#23 and #23 just got up in each other’s faces and man they were gonna fight like dogs! Crazy man! 23 fury! Michael Jordan and Jim Carrey should show up and fight too! And me, because my birthday is on the 23rd. We get 23 people associated with the number 23…..and Nicholas Cage has got a new movie!
Tatupu! I saw another Seahawk’s name! Tatupu and Dkung! Is the whole team from Sri Lanka or something? A Seahawk got kneed in the head by a Bear and got carted off. That’s two Seahawks that got carted off this game. Both head injuries. Scary! All of my head injuries are self-inflicted through my insanity.
Seahawks 0 Bears 28
#33 Seahawk just ran the ball pretty far. He has some rad green gloves. Sponsored by Monster Energy Drink.
I can’t stand it when they cut to Tony Siragusa on the field! It freaks me out! It’s like you’re a peeping tom and watching someone through the blinds and they start getting nude, then they look at you, but keep getting nude, and you realize THEY KNEW YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME! What is real!?
Football: A Poem
Sometimes it’s smooth.
Sometimes it’s clunky.
Sometimes it’s playfully pouncy.
Sometimes it’s painful.
-by Amanda Ohly
I guess that poem could also describe my sex life. With that in mind I will add this addendum to my poem:
Sometimes it’s deliciously satisfying.
Sometimes there is a bad call.
When they show coaches and sideline people in slow-mo it looks like someone is about to be assassinated. Everyone is sort of in motion and really pissed and determined.
Back from the bathroom. 4th Quarter.
Hasselbeck. He is the Seahawk QB. The Bears are putting a lot of pressure on him. Oh man, Jennings intercepted the ball but he got a flag. Pass interference! The crowd is pissed! They are booing like crazy! Scary. Gladiator time. Except instead of an emperor giving a thumbs up/down it’s a team of little old white dudes. I guess Roman emperors were white-ish.
Touchdown Mike Williams! Seahawks got a point!
They just cut to a guy in the crowd who looks like a satanic Mario Brother! Ahh! Fans are creepy aren’t they! Fanatics. I’m a fan of many things, but I don’t think I ever go “insane fan.” Well, maybe with Mark Hamill. But that was only for like a decade. And I’m pretty into Michael K. Williams right now but I’m not going to go all Ali Larter in Obsessed on him! I would in a movie! I’d be so great as Alicia Silverstone in The Crush or Poison Ivy or Obsessed. I’d be good as that role! But my dream role would be Mayella Ewell or Myrtle Wilson or something. Just heard Baz Luhrmann is doing Gatsby. That will be neat. I wish I could be Myrtle in that! Bitchin’. Car hittin’ bitchin’.
Seahawks 10 Bears 28 7:20 left
Is that insane? Is there anyway that they can win at this point? I wouldn’t know! I guess not knowing makes the answer: YES!
It’s anyone’s name! I mean GAME! It’s all part of the game. Sheeeeit!
And the crowd goes wild for the play that just happened!! Then they kicked the ball and Hester caught it. Do you think he got angry when that movie Easy A came out? Like, he really doesn’t want people to be reminded of The Scarlet Letter.
The audio just messed up and it sounded like a gun shot! I didn’t flinch though, I had a feeling someone was going to get assassinated. Urlacher is soooo Herc! Although to be fair, I’ve only ever seen Urlacher from an over the shoulder view. Herclacher!
I think another Seahawk is down. He sprained his ankle or something. The Seahawks are not only losing, they are dying. So sad. I wonder if they want pepperoni on their tombstone. Bwahahahha!
Score is 10 to 35. If I was on a football team and I won a game for the team, and it was a really important game, I’d get the score tattooed on me. Just to really remind myself who is great. Me. If I lost the game for a team and it was a really important game I’d go crazy and write “laces out” on everything I own and tuck my penis and assume the identity of a lost female hiker and become a police commander and kidnap Dan Marino, etc. etc. Wow, 2 Jim Carrey references in 1 blog entry. Effortless.
Seahawk #17 Williams stepped it up. He intercepted the ball and really did a god job. Good effort. Oh I think he got a score! 17 to 35.
Back in the booth with Bob Cratchet and Oliver Twist they’re saying how the game wasn’t flashy it was methodical. On sides kick here by the Bears. And what would have been a great junk shot if the kicker wasn’t wearing a little fanny pack. Bears recovered the ball when they all jumped on top of it. Cratchit and Twist name every Seahawk who should have grabbed it but didn’t. They are getting harsh. The winter’s cold air is making them bitter and unsympathetic.
I’m now supposed to rethink possible. Okay. A human, who has a litter of puppies! Blood sacks=nutritious!
2min remaining. The Seahawks don’t seem to know that they are losing. They are just sort of pawing each other like puppies. I’m not sure they know they’re playing football at all.
It’s anyone’s game!
A flag happened and all the refs are in the middle catching up and scoring some screen time. It was an unnecessary roughness foul. A Seahawk shoved a Bear’s head, then a different Bear pushed that Seahawk hard.
Hasselbeck threw deep and Seahawk #87 made a nice catch. They did another play and they got a touchdown! Wow! 23 to 35. It really could be anyone’s game huh?! They get a field goal. 24 to 35. Can the Seahawks get 11 points in 1:24min? Maybe! But I suppose it’s more likely that 11 Seahawks will get horribly injured in that time.
OMAR!!!!!!!! I can’t stop thinking about him! He was done wrong! Not okay. I love him. And what was the deal with that guy in the morgue switching the names on the body bags? Oh shit I just remembered that!? What was that!? What did that mean? Did the guy switch them cuz he thought that they had been switched or was he a creep who was trying to wrong do Omar even further! Oh man, tell me what you think cuz I missed what happened right there! Maybe instead of getting a tattoo of the scores of this game I’ll get a tattoo of Omar. OMAR!!! If I lived in Baltimore I would NOT be afraid of Omar, I would make him dinner. Honey nut! Ahhhh!!! xooxoox
Okay The Seahawks are gonna kick it again. Laces out or in? We don’t know. The Bears catch it. #13 Knox catches it and then drops to the ground. Like a fainting sheep. There was an offsides call and they have a first down. The Seahawks are out of time outs. It’s anyone’s game!
Next week The Chicago Bears vs. The Green Bay Packers.
Why do they even bother running out the clock if they don’t really? Like, if you’re gonna just stand on the field and say that they won….why do they even keep the clock going? Hm, I’m not sure how I feel about the formalities of the clock.
But yay! Go Bears! Poor Seahawks, they hobble back to Seattle to grunge out until next year.
Final score: Seahawks 24 Bears 35 Omar xoxoxoooxoxoxoxxoxoxxo
Thanks for reading!
See you next week for Packers vs. Bears!
Football Rulez!! 
#1 by Hawkins on 01/16/2011 - 8:53 pm
epic